That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
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[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
what?
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work