Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
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The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
What the hell happened in there??
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE