[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
You Might Also Like
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter