Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
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hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Thursday Thought.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Go girl power!
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.