Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

If only

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any

me: that’s how good they are

customer: the cage door is open

me: *looking around nervously* oh no

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here