ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
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Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
The Wolf of Wall Street.