Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
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I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)