My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
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Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella