Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
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Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
choose your fighter
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.