Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
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Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Banking tips
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
This meal prepping shit is easy
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”