Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
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My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Hello Twits.