Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
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My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
This is the coolest video you will see today.
some cats are just doing for fun!
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.