Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
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One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.