Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
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The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach