The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
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All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
moms in horror movies