Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
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My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I’ve been learning to cook.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Whisper out to librarians!
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.