Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
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me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”