if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
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I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
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My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.