if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
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Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
me adding lol on a serious message
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.