911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
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I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I am all good here, 😂😉
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.