Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
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CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.