Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
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We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Perfection.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.