[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
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‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.