I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
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When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
spicy snake
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.