Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
You Might Also Like
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I’m not wrong
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.