Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
You Might Also Like
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
for all #parents out there
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?