“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
You Might Also Like
This is my emotional support knife.
Body by cheese-puffs.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.