“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
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ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
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I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
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Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?![]()
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
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Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.