God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
You Might Also Like
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Omg 🤣
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.