I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
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sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?