2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
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Just the best dancing sandwiches.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
nice challenge
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does