in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
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ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Just a friendly reminder!
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.