[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
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The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”