Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
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Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?