a rare painting of a porcu’melon

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I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.


It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.


Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point


Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.


American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.


Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.


Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.


(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions


“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.