@English_Channel
@kimlockhartga How do horror writers compete with current events?
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@kimlockhartga 
@Contwixt I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
@broken_rhi It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
@david8hughes Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
@Knob_ish Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
@jwoodham American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
@iGreenGod Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
@BuddWest Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
@hardlyrelevant (interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
@beefman138 “I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.