So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
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doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
monday
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts