Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
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All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
