If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
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Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
so, is there a mister shapen head
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.