“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
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guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.