Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
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Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Time for evil
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.