ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
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when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.