Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
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I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!