when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
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Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone