ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
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The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit