12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
You Might Also Like
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*