Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
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Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
awkward
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival