love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
You Might Also Like
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there