“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
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realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”