If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
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Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar