[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
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Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Blew my mind.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Its a hippotatomus
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’