Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
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Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.