Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
See..?
.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat