*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
You Might Also Like
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
concern
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*